Upset

June 10, 2017

I had another follow-up appointment today.

The past three weeks have held a series of intensive tests for me, and today was the day they were all supposed to pay off.

But they came back normal. Completely normal.

And instead of being relieved, I was upset.

I’m sitting in the chair they provide for guests of the patient instead of on the examination table. There’s no graceful way to climb onto one of those and I hate to think of wasting the paper they put on top of them, so I opt for the chair unless told otherwise. My doctor is sitting casually on the rolling stool that seems ever-present in doctors’ offices and somehow he remains steady as he crosses one leg over the other and peers down my chart.

He begins reading them off:
“Sleep study – mild respiratory disturbance, but nothing worth treatment.
MSLT – no narcolepsy
72 hour EEG – no epilepsy
8 day ECG – syncope and collapse with a rapid heartbeat, but nothing indicative of heart failure, per se.”

At the end, he looks up and says, “that’s great, everything is normal. It’s nothing serious, you should be happy.”

I feel anything but happy as I look at him and quietly note, “these tests came back normal, but I’m not normal.”

He looks down in sympathy and agrees, “no, no you’re not.”

He mentions we could admit me to a hospital and do a 5-day monitoring test, but I tell him that sounds like a hail mary and he confirms as much. I’m not crying, but tears are escaping my eyes in a fairly rapid succession as I try to ask my options. I’m running out of tests in the book and so I’m running out of options.

He tells me again that I should be happy and there’s no need to be crying; there was nothing serious uncovered, I’m not imminently dying this time.

But I had hope in these tests.

New tests I had never had before have the potential to offer more insight. I thought we would finally have an answer and maybe a treatment but at least a label. And I’m feeling worse than when I came into this room with too many anatomical posters because it seems now all of the pain from the ambulatory EEG and the inconvenience of the ECG and the discomfort from the sleep study were all for nothing. Absolutely nothing. And they always come back normal, but my symptoms always progress further into the abnormal.

So I’m feeling upset. And it feels alright to cry.

Later, when I call my mom and my dad and my sister they all say the same thing, “I’m happy they all came back normal.” But I can’t share their opinion. I’m glad it isn’t anything life-threatening, but I wish I had something to treat or at least to Google.

As they all keep repeating their joy, I feel less and less validated in my feelings and more and more upset. Nothing I can do will shake this feeling, so I do the next best thing and sleep. 

After a nap and some ice cream, I’m feeling more and more myself. It is difficult, but I have to remind myself that any test result means I didn’t waste my time. Without the test, there would have still been unknowns. And while there are now still unknowns, there are fewer, because we were able to cross a few more potentials off the list. It was necessary, though disheartening.

It doesn’t completely mitigate my feelings, but maybe with a little more ice cream and a little more time, I’ll be a little less upset.

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