Painless

April 27, 2019

I began to shy away from physical touch when I was a teenager. I'd pull my shoulder away if someone was trying to put an arm around it, arch my back when someone tried to pat it, shirk away when someone tried to give me a hug. There was no exception.

My parents thought it was just teenage angst at first.

But I know it broke their hearts. 

We began to realize that I'd especially avoid physical comfort when I was emotionally or physically in pain.

It wasn't until after we had a diagnosis that we learned that due to a miswiring in my nerves caused by my skull malformation, my body interprets touch as physical pain; it heightens when I'm experiencing emotional pain as well. So when I'm upset, and someone tries to comfort me with a hug, I feel pain where they touch me.

Because of this, I've unintentionally trained everyone around me to stay so very far away from me when I'm hurt or upset. Only now their physical distance feels like emotional distance and I'm craving a comforting touch. I don't know how to resolve it. I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to stay still when someone reflexively offers comfort. I'd like to think I've got the flinching down to a minimum, but I know I'm not fooling anyone.

I hate this predicament. Physical touch is a normal and healthy part of most relationships. A handshake for an introduction, a hug of welcome, a pat on the shoulder for a good job. It's all natural extensions of relationship, but my body won't let it be. Simultaneously, I prefer avoiding physical pain as a general rule of life. I especially prefer to avoid adding another layer of pain on top of the usual pain I'm almost constantly experiencing.

So what do I do? How do I reconcile it? When do I sacrifice self-preservation and accept the pain? How do I retrain everyone in my life not to avoid me anymore? How do I explain this to people in my life as a way of explaining when I'm already in too much pain and can't afford to add more? Who has the answers for me? 

I feel so helpless. This isn't something I can overcome. It will be around for the rest of my life, impacting it daily. What happens if I one day have a significant other? I've already broken my parents’ hearts enough times pushing them away, I don't want to do the same to someone else. But I also can't afford the pain. So I am at an impasse. With myself.

To hear this entry read aloud, click here.
To watch this entry in American Sign Language,
click here. (Coming Soon)