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July 21, 2019

On a recent Saturday night, I was hanging out at home. I didn’t have anything that needed to be done, I didn’t have anywhere I needed to be, and I decided I wanted to enjoy my night. I ate take-out Indian food from the place down the street and started Pitch Perfect. I hadn’t watched the movie since I was in college. I surprised myself. I started laughing and didn’t pick up my phone or tune into anything else. I let myself be immersed in the movie and enjoy it. Partway through I hit pause and went to the kitchen. I wanted…something. Looking through the pantry I found a box of brownie mix I’d bought on a whim weeks ago. I mixed everything up, started them in the oven, and took the bowl with me to watch the movie. I didn’t want brownies tonight, but I did want to lick the bowl.

After the bowl was put to the side, the movie came to an emotionally charged moment. I reached for the remote to fast forward. I stopped myself to realize this is a habit I’d gotten in recently. Whether it’s a movie or a TV show or book when I come to a moment of emotional or interpersonal tension, I fast forward, I skip, I flip pages. I get away from it. I only want the moments that are neutral or positive. But eliminating the emotional moments or the tension cuts the lighter moments off at their knees. The lighter moments are fulfilling because it’s the resolution or redemption of tension or pain.

I’ve been attempting the same tactic in my life, but the problem is that there is no fast-forward function outside of a TV remote. Not even Apple has figured out that product.

I thought I was sacrificing the feelings of happiness and experience of joy in order to avoid the intense swings to pain, disappointment, and grief. But I still felt immense pain, disappointment, grief, and more. So I wasn’t actually saving myself from anything other than a bleaker existence. We’re not meant to live only on one side of the emotional spectrum. I want to allow myself to venture back into the full range of emotions. I don’t know what that means for me, and I don’t really know how to start, but I want to. I want to feel again.

I want to feel the moments or days of pain, disappointment, and hurt, so that I can actually feel the moments of joy, relief, and happiness. I want to open myself up to feel again. It’s foreign and hard, but I’ll be better for it.

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