Entitled

May 5, 2019

I have gotten to the root of me. I have plunged deep into my soul far enough that I know what is there. I know why I am who I am, in this moment, at this time. I know why I am distraught. Why I am offended by the circumstances I have been given. Why this all seems unjust.

I feel entitled to a healthy, properly working body.

I feel it is my right as a living, breathing human that my body comes without defects, without deformities.

I’m not proud of this viewpoint. But I’m also not alone. Other people, coworkers, doctors, nurses, friends, family members, all say I’m too young for what I’ve been through, what I’m going through. I should have a bulletproof shield in the health of my youth. My body shouldn’t betray me like this, not when I’m so young and haven’t had a lifetime to live.  

But here we are.  

With a body that doesn’t care, isn’t whole, isn’t up to snuff. I’ve been cheated, this isn’t what I’m owed.

But here we are.  

This deeply felt truth is written all over the innermost parts of me and no amount of scrubbing will wash it away. I wish I didn’t feel this way; I wish I didn’t feel owed a body I don’t have. I wish I didn’t feel cheated. I wish it didn’t all feel so unfair. If I could release this expectation from my very soul, I know the knife of despair would stop plunging into my heart with each wasted doctor’s appointment. The weight of crushing disappointment accompanying every failed medical test would simply fall off my shoulders. Without this belief, I would be free. I would be able to live and walk and dream and hope and love. Yet I can’t. I’m tangled up in these ropes, knotted with entitlement and they’re pulling me back down every time I start to climb up into a life worth living. But I don’t know how to unravel all of this because I don’t think I’m wrong. Every single one of us expects a healthy and working body, we all expect a long life. So here I am, furious I was cheated, devastated I didn’t receive what I expected and deadened by the injustice of it all.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve reached the end of me.  

I’ve found the other side of grief.

It was exactly what I was expecting. An irreconcilable truth tattooed deep in my heart that won’t be simply changed.

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